The intention to sit still and just be...

This afternoon it occurred to me that I was actually agitated and maybe a little irritable, too. This isn't my everyday MO and so when I recognized it, I tried to figure out why these sensations had come to visit me. As is my custom. Gotta' try and get to the root of every little old thing.

I know a couple of relatively tiny things that I've let get to me that should absolutely be shrugged off and moved past, but they shouldn't be causing these kinds of ripples in my psyche. Why, then? Maybe we've got another great example of a great time one of my good friends would declare, "It is what it is."

And maybe I needed to remember to just take a breath and relax, too. (Finally, she comes somewhere close to her thesis statement.) Not that I don't sit sometimes, and not that I don't relax. Occasionally. At night when the lights get turned off... Hmmm. And it's true: usually my mind is going a million places at once and almost invariably I have something happening with my hands. Making something or other. Even if I'm watching a movie.

It was then, earlier in this thought process meant to calm myself and coerce myself into feeling a little more well adjusted, that I remembered I actuallywent to the store and spent money and bought a whole CD. Brand new, even! Last spring, I think it was, Sean recommended Choying Drolma & Steve Tibbetts' Selwa and I never bothered to get it. And eventually forgot the recommendation altogether. So this afternoon while feeling all those uncomfortable feelings, I made a conscious decision to make myself slow down. (At very least, coax or trick myself into slowing down.) So I got out my new CD and popped it in. Within twelve seconds I was thinking of Chai tea. So I went downstairs and made some.

Of course that put me perilously close by the laundry that was ready to be switched around, and I noticed some dishes I'd left on the counter. By the time I got back upstairs, the CD was halfway finished and I'd missed so much of it, I couldn't decide whether to start over or just set the stereo to repeat. Then the phone rang and now I'm here blogging about it.

But see, now I've gotten myself back into the mood to just be still for a bit. So I'll take the half cup of remaining tea and walk back into my cozy room and sit with this beautifully peaceful and remarkably calming music and try again. Maybe that's all we can hope for. That we come again and again to the place of stillness and calm and try again. For me, at least, that's more than half the battle. Just remembering to go there. So here I go...