Clarity and chaos

I'm balanced on a wire that's strung between the pendulum swings of chaos and clarity. At times, my life seems so illuminated...so perfectly right. At others it hovers in the midst of levels of chaos. Not the kind that exists when people around you are dying or losing everything they own or love. Surely not that kind. But chaos, nonetheless.

It sure makes things interesting, this constant balancing act I think I'm pulling off so well.

A friend told me a month or so ago that I'm self-actualized. What mileage I've gotten from such an assertion. What feelings of "Well how bad can it be if Sarah thinks that, even for a moment, I've got it that together?" I'll think of a few ways I've "got it together" and think maybe she's a little right.

Then I find myself lamenting the fact that the circles under my eyes are dark, that I spent two hours getting a (nice enough, actully,) haircut and substandard manicure at a cosmetology school to save the bucks, that I don't connect with my family enough, neglect my spiritual life more than I mean to, am slack about my commitment to make the world a better place. Then I realize I never still sent those thank you notes, I didn't return the calls of that person who sounded like she really needed to talk, I might be behind on a bill or two, I indulged in a little too much TV, I'm not honoring my personal goals for "giving back." The really hard ones, I mean, not the easy ones. And I'm selfish and self-absorbed, thinking the little bits of beauty I make and offer up to the world matter.

It's all very humbling, this incessant need for self-awareness. The ability one's intellect has of keeping things in check, in balance, by providing frequent reminders of our limitations if ever we posture into the role of "she who does a pretty good job" and holds onto it too long.

Sometimes it's so simple, and at others I'm never, ever gonna' figure out this life I've laid out for myself. So I'll make some more stuff with clay and design some more web pages and even attack a blank canvas every now and then and write someone a sliver of a marketing plan and go to sleep and get up and do it again. In a community filled with others who are doing the exact same thing. One damned day at a time.