Is there a support group for turning 39?
Melody | Wednesday, 6 February, 2008 at 9:46 PM Hello. My name is Melody and I'm 39 years old. And I don't like it one bit. Perhaps my severe distaste for turning this age is worth mentioning because before now, no birthday actually affected me this way. Generally, January 21 rolls around and I'm all, "Check it out! I'm a new number!" and I bask in the attention of my peeps for as long as I can milk it, then get back to real life. Just with a new number attached to that life.
I wish for you to understand right now just how far from my current reality that longed-for, typical response to getting a little older every year was for me this year. And still is. Apparently.
Let's stop here for a second and set some ground rules:
- I'm not looking for you to try making me feel better by telling me how awesome and young I look. (Although let's be clear: you're always, always welcome to tell me that.)
- I'm not looking for you to give me a 20 minute pep talk about how age is just a number.
- Or about how "It's how you feel that matters."
- About how 40 is the new 30, either. (Although by the time next year rolls around, I'm gonna' be saying that one, myself, so just go ahead and get ready right now.)
- You also don't need to sit over there and go on and on about how I'm a mere babe and I've got years upon years Up On Years to live.
I know all that.
Frankly what I'd like for you to do is sit quietly and let me groan and moan for a few minutes about how I am not happy about having turned 39. Or you could quietly go away. That would be fine, too. You certainly don't have to sit here for this. I'm not altogether convinced that I would! (But I probably would, come to think of it, because I'm the nice friend. Remember? I would pretty much always sit here and listen to you go on about your existential crises. So maybe don't forget that when you think of clicking on over to somebody else's blog. Somebody younger and perhaps, y'know... perkier than I am.)
Now. Where was I? Yea. Getting Old. How it feels just a little bit that I...am...doing that.
What's fascinating to me is that because I have (typically had) such a casual, comfortable attitude toward aging...because I know and believe all that stuff I just wrote, this reaction took me completely by surprise. I am one pretty young 39 year old woman. I get that. But here's the thing. Turning 39? It really was weird! And I'm trying to figure out why, exactly, this number hit me so hard.
I've been formulating a few theories about this little crisis of mine. I know you're keen to hear them all:
- I think it's got something to do with the idea that I'm now in a bit of a home stretch, headed out of my thirties, which is a decade I had frankly gotten all comfy-cozy and well-adjusted to. The thirties are pretty cool.
- It's also got something to do with the numbers of times people call me ma'am.
- And there's the little matter of how I'm never, ever going to be 38 again. Ever.
- I think it has something to do with the fact that even though of course this is a personal choice, I'm still single and the longer I stay that way, if I decided one day that I'd like to consider getting my own "I Do Man" the statistical odds of that actually happening are, I'm told, dwindling a bit every day. Which is depressing.
- I think it's got something to do with how I sort of always thought I'd have figured out, a little more solidly, "What I wanted to be when I grew up" by the time I was "pushing 40." Instead of continuing to straddle the fence between all these fairly different - albeit creative - professional paths.
- I think it's also got something to do with the fact that this unfortunate - and frankly rude - phrase, "pushing 40" actually applies to me.
On another day when I'm feeling more typically-optimistic and cheery (not that I'm not cheery today - just cheery in a kinda' old way,) maybe you'll show up here and find a nice top ten list of reasons I'm clearly as young as that chick over there...
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Reader Comments (22)
Hi Melody,
This post actually freaked me out a little just because, like you, age has never bothered me. So reading this makes me wonder if I have a birthday in my future where I'm going to hold a similar reaction.
I've also always been one to look down on women who rush to go under the knife to attempt to retain their youthful image. However, looking in the mirror the other night, I informed Blair that should I develop jowls, we will be mortgaging the home to pay for my cosmetic surgery.
As we age, we learn to redefine our priorities in life. ;)
Good. You should be freaked out. And now, perhaps, having realized what you have to look forward to, it won't surprise you so much.
Thanks for the laugh over the idea of you with jowls. As if...
Meanwhile, here's a Snopes clarification on an email concerning women over 40 which, interestingly enough, I got just yesterday. That the piece was not written by Andy Rooney - as suggested in the email - makes it no less lovely. So thanks, Frank Kaiser, the actual author, for pointing out that it's not all downhill from here.
But, ya know, you really are a babe at 39. I'm just sayin'.
Also, you change a mean tire and Mr.Pie will admire you forever for it!
;) THAT'S what sisters are for. You're very sweet...
Let's hope Mr. Pie remembers mine was the first tire he ever helped change. (Not that I'll let him forget!)
So you’re turning 39.
Well, I’m turning 65 this year and though I have heard rumors (which I may have started myself – I can’t remember for sure as you know what they say about the mind and old age), that 65 is the new 50. Let me tell you, it feels like the new 75.
If it doesn’t hurt, I probably don’t have it any more. If I can no longer do what ever it is I used to do, it would probably put me in the hospital if I tried.
But enough about me. Ok, not enough about me. I want to tell you about my turning 39. And that I can remember with super clarity. It was an experience that I will never forget.
I can tell you with absolute resolve, that turning 40, 50, and even 60 was nothing compared to 39.
And now for some real honesty.
That was the roughest year of any birthday year. And if you knew a lot about my life and what I have done (Vietnam, quadruple bypass surgery, 20 grandkids, etc), you would think I am lying, but I am not. It was miserable.
I could go into lots of detail, but it would be painful to the both of us as well as taking pages and pages and pages to write up.
Don’t let anyone tell you that there is just something wrong with you and that it’s no big deal, and that everyone goes through it, and so on. It is a big deal. A super big deal.
Sometime after I turned 40 I started to talk to people about how bad 39 was. And guess what. Many of them admitted to exactly the same thing.
I have actually done research into why the phenomenon exists, but have not found anything that seems viable and solid good reasons. You see statements like 39 gives you the feeling that your life is half over. Not so. People pass on at 20. There life was half over at 10. But let’s not dwell on such things. You will have enough of that after you turn 39.
I have a son turning 39 this Sunday. I am going to torment him about it. You see, it’s my theory that the reason no one warns you about how bad turning 39 can be is that no one warned them and they want to get revenge. I intend to continue that tradition. I could give you my top 10 sayings about turning 39 ( and I do have them ready for my son), but you may have heard a lot of them, considering what I read on your web-site so far. Plus, you’re probably “down” enough as it is.
I did read your theories on what the problem is with turning 39, and with all my research I previously noted, I can tell you that you have identified a number of the ones I ran across.
It could be a combination of a number of reasons, but I lean more toward the concept that it is a puzzle, hidden in an iniquity, clouded by a fog, and obscured in the mystery of century’s past. I just made that up but it fits.
You noted you were not married yet. I have a present wife of 43 years. Having a mate doesn’t change how one feels about 39.
Having read your web page, I perceive you as being honest, smart-intelligent-knowledgeable (and they are three different things), having a great personality, a fantastic humor gene, and from your picture, I would use the phrase “A STONE COLD FOX”. (Hope that makes you feel a little better)
I have also read about how various people have attacked the problem of turning 39. In my humble opinion, the results are much like an ant attacking an elephant. And one might say, what about hundreds of ants attacking an elephant. Well, let me just say that the black stuff on the bottom of the elephants feet – dead ants.
With all the wisdom, knowledge, skill and experience I have acquired over my many years on this earth, and the vast amount of research and investigation into this matter, I feel very small in saying that the only thing I can tell you is that you will get through this age (most likely devised by Satan himself) and you will look back on it with – well the same way you look back on all those other difficulties you have had in your life – only with them being all added together and multiplied a thousand fold.
There is one thing you can do that does actually help. I have given this advise to others that have turned 40 and it has helped them (be it ever so little). As soon as you recover enough from that day you turn 39, start planning how you can torment others that turn 39.
Here are some suggestions to get you started. Purchase 39 black balloons, fill them with helium and put them in the persons bedroom. Take some OSB board and cut out shapes of grave stones and put on them sayings like “Welcome to 39”, and “Thirty Nine is the end of the line”, and stuff like that. Then put them in the persons yard. If they live in an apartment, put them on the walls. Sure there will be holes and nails in the walls, but they’re turning 39. Holes and nails will be the least of their concerns. Make up T-shirts with saying on them like “We lit all 39 candles on my cake – the sprinklers went off”, or “You think I look bad at 39, just wait till you turn 39”.
I have a ton of these (I’ve had a lot of years past 39 to come up with them), but here is one of my very favorites. For this one person I knew (we seem to have lost touch over the years), I made up a ton of post cards and throughout the year I sent them to various people he knew as well as family members and work associates and so on. The post cards reminded them to give old John a call and ask him how his 39th birthday years is going.
So why did I take all this time to write this. I’m retired. I have a lot of free time on my hands.
Melody, you are special. Don’t ever change.
I am turning 39 tomorrow...well at this point I am 39...and all I can say is I agree it SUCKS!!! One year from 40 and my problem is that I think you should have your life figured out by now and...I'm not close. So all this 40 is the new thirty etc is BS...I hate it...and I dont think I look or act it...but I am 39...AAAGGGHH. The only benefit I see to this age is that I get sex now more than ever. I don't necessarily mean in quantity but the saying women peak in their 30's is totally true and it's never been better then now...but soon I will shrivel up and who knows from there what happens....so I'm not gonna coddle you I'm going to agree I hate it too
ok one more thing...I know I should be grateful...I have a beautiful daughter....an awesome guy...who is older then me...thank God....I'm trying to feel it...but right now I feel pissed off...
Oh Melody!
You poor thing. My advice is spend much more time with much older people. Then you'll feel young and spritely with the added benefit of gaining tremendous wisdom from these sage individuals. It worked for me at 40... and I love my age!
One more thing, remember, you'll never be younger than you are today!
Okay, one more thing again, enjoy the present moment and don't freak about the past or the future because there's not really much that can be done about either.
See - that wisdom really does rub off on ya!
Hi Melody,
I turned 39 today, and I entered my 39th year with a big smile and excitement...at first.
I had a great afternoon planned with a dance lesson and then dinner at my folks. If this bit of information helps, I am single as well. And I have NEVER felt so sad and miserable on my birthday. NEVER. Every birthday I have a great time and shout to the world that it's my birthday and party for a whole week, indulging in the attention. This year, today, not so. I got so emotional tonight that I had to pull over in my car to have a good cry. Over what? I really don't know. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness is indescribable. Anyway, I thought I'd share this with you and anyone else, if they also feel weird and unusually emotional turning 39. You're not alone. But, chin up I say and enjoy being not-yet-forty! I went on the internet just to see if there is anyone else out there that feels this, and to my amazement there were so many links to 'turning 39'. I feel special turning 39 after all.
Wow, I am so amazed and quite frankly happy to see so many others that have experienced the 39 blues. I have two weeks to my b-day and I am freaked out by the idea of 39. I guess I am not at the place I thought I would be and am starting to regret past decisions I made. I am smart enough to know that only I can get myself out of this funk but just reading others thoughts have really helped. thanks
I can't believe that I'll be 39 in a little over a week. Like you Melody, age has never bothered me and I've always been told about how young I look, as much as 10 years younger. When I was a 20 something I thought, "Being in my 40s will be awesome!" Now I'm just at the cusp of being a woman in my 40s--professional and wondering....
I'm hoping that 39 feels a little bit sunnier for you now that you've walked through the door. It was helpful for me to read your blog and the responses to it. I too feel inexplicably sad about turning 39 tomorrow. Good to know I have bright, articulate company in that group :) RJM
The comments section is becoming a self-help group for people turning 39 Melody. Anyway thanks for posting your thoughts. I can relate. I agree with what Gene above said about the feelings of 39, despite having a life partner (it still sucks, partner or not). I've had one for 7 years. Great relationship. But I'm not married and I'm about to turn 39, and it's not like I'm going to start over just to make that happen. How odd that the grass always seems greener. And if I were married, it'd be something else that was missing and should've happened by now. Anyway, hope you've recovered, I'm sure you have. And I hope you took Gene's brilliant advice of plotting other's 39th with black balloons etc...too funny. So yes, I'm going to be 39, unmarried, w/o kids and am in college AGAIN, on May 17th, 2009. A date which will live in infamy. I have a feeling though that I will look back on it and know that it was only a stepping stone to something greater. It will be great to think, "gosh I am glad I'm not 39 anymore"...I think that about other troubled years of my life even if they were prime years physically. - J
wow. I was googling for support groups for women turning 39 and found this. I am due to turn 39 this August and it's already freaking me out. I used to look forward to becoming an older woman because older women are cool. But then, for some bizarre reason, it hit me in a bad way that I'm going to be 39. There must be something about that number because 38 didn't bug me one bit. As a divorced woman, I also found a connection with the fact that my prospects of finding Mr. Right are dwindling to nothing. While being single is awesome it still leaves me blue to think that I will probably never find "him" but if I do I will be too old by the time we meet. Since I am grieving the end of this decade early maybe I'll be over it by the time I actually do turn 39.
Hey everybody! I have been horribly remiss in responding to all these surprise and magnificent comments. It sometimes blows my mind how this page has evolved.
So here's a little follow-up: it got better. Way better. Way, way better. Which is to say, basically life returned to its nice rhythms and since I think I have a pretty cool life, I got back to enjoying that. I discovered all that stuff "they say" really is true - we're the same as we were before the number 39 showed up to haunt us. And by the time I got to 40? (mind-boggling to realize that by the time I write this, that was more than 5 months ago!) I was ready for it! I keep meeting truly fascinating people who are several years older than I am, things really do feel relative, and life just seems to make more sense these days than when I originally wrote this page.
For those who are posting your angst here: thank you. Feel it, scream it, journal it, mourn it, let it be what it is - do what you gotta' do to get it all out. No need in suppressing it - fighting it is useless. But eventually? It passes. Pretty much like most every thing else we struggle with!
PS. It doesn't hurt one bit that I got carded last week. Seriously. Silly girl. Still, I thanked her enthusiastically and meant it, too.
PPS. 40 year old women (plus) are still sexy. Seriously. And the dating stuff might just get better, too, since by this time we're a little better about knowing who we are and what we want. Let's you stop stressing about stupid stuff. Heh...
Cheers!
I will be turning 39 in August and am having my own issues with it as well. I got married for the first time when I was almost 37 and had a baby when I was almost 39 (my little miracle).
I'm so afraid that I won't be around for my son and am obsessed with how short life really is....
However, a good friend told me that each age is a "celebration of life" -meaning that we should celebrate that we are STILL here...the older we get, the greater the celebration.
I do fully realize though the pain of feeling alone and will keep my prayers with you....just remember, you never know what is around the corner -like me, your life could change in an instant....previously I was a miserable career woman with no prospects for marrying -now I'm a stay at home mom (my dream) and life seems a lot brighter.
Typo -sorry -had my baby when I was almost 38
LOL
I stumbled upon this site because i'm turning 39 in 2 weeks and I googled "HELP I AM FREAKING OUT AND HAVING A MELTDOWN OVER TURNING 39! lol I agree for some reason this has hit me harder then any other age.. 29 I could deal with.. 35 O.K. not too bad.. I think I'ts because it's time to take stock of what your accomplishmnets are .mine No kids yet...running out of time.. and also scared of being launched into the "cougar" category even though I look and feel younger. I'm glad I'm not alone in this though.. Maybe we should be celebrating that we've gotten this far and we definitely have aqcuired more wisdom! So Happy Happy b-day!!
Thank you for this page. I'm turning 39 on the 23rd and I'm NOT looking forward to it. Part of me wants to have a party and go out with friends. Another part just wants to curl up in bed with a book and a box of tissues.
Like Debbie, I got married four months before turning 37 and had my first child (a wonderful little boy) about two months before turning 38. I, too, am obsessed with the fear of not being there for my son when he gets married and has kids. I can't believe how short life really is and how I am probably mor than half way through it.
I am so young at heart. I teach sixth graders and they keep me that way. No one thinks I am my age and I'm blessed with youthful genetics.
I'm crying right now because I am starting to feel old. I've always been about 40-50 pounds overweight, and I want to fix that, but I feel like time is running out and I won't ever be able to reform health. Now, I want to fix it for my son. I want to be there for him forever. Mortality has shown its ugly face to me and I can't shake it.
I am usually a very positive person. I've never been upset about a birthday. 30 didn't even phase me! I was actually syked to be out of my twenties. But today I'm just sad. Every time I think about it, my eyes fill.
I know it will get better, but today -- three days before my birthday -- I feel lower than I've felt in quite some time.
But, I will pick myself up, go pick my wonderful son up from daycare, and know that the world is beautiful because he is in it. With any luck, I'll be able to give him a sibling before my eggs get too old.
I'm done with my babbling. Thank you again for this page. At least I know I'm not alone in my angst about turning 39. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and be well.
Hi Jenny - I hope yesterday was a fabulous birthday for you! And I'm thrilled to feel confident in telling you that this just might be the year you discover just how NOT old you are!
It makes me really happy that you and others connected with this piece.
Happy Thanksgiving to you too! And all best to you in the upcoming Year of Fabulocity!