What's really "confidential" anyway?
Melody | Tuesday, 6 November, 2007 at 5:38 PM During a recent conversation with a good friend, it occurred to me that I may well have a much, much more strict definition of "confidentiality" than others do. Either that or friend has a more loose definition. Either way, we laid it out and found our positions to be fairly opposite! Made me wonder about how others approach the topic of keeping the secrets of others.
Some context for you: I'd asked a question that I suddenly realized might indicate I was asking her to share something she might not be at liberty to share. I'd asked if she had the inside scoop on something, so followed up by saying, "Unless you were told in confidence, that is..."
Friend: Well, I'd tell you anyway!
Me: Um, no you wouldn't. Not if you'd been asked not to!
Friend: To you? Of course I would! It wouldn't matter. What could it hurt?
Me: Nothing, I'm sure, especially since so often we're given the same "scoop" at different times. But still, if it was told to you in confidence, I certainly wouldn't expect you'd tell me.
Friend: (Tone verging on incredulous) Does that mean you're keeping secrets from me?!
Me: Anything that's ever been told to me in confidence? I keep all that to myself.
Friend: Really?!
Me: Um, yea. Hence, "This is between you and me." Or, "Please keep this in confidence."
Friend: I feel like such a bad person.
Me: You're not a bad person! You just have, um, a slightly different, er, maybe moral compass than I do. Maybe I'm a prude.
Friend: Am I a bad person?
Me: No, you're not a bad person!
Friend: I have to give this some thought. (pause) So you never tell anything you've been asked to keep to yourself?
Me: Well, depends! I mean, if I'm talking to Cindi (lives in Atlanta,) and she's telling me something about another person who's on her tennis team and I know it's generally confidential information, I might one day bring it up to one of my local friends, if the conversation warranted. I mean, that's never going to hurt anybody...I don't actually even know those people. But otherwise, no! If someone tells me something and asks I keep it under my hat? Yup, still under my hat.
Which actually leads to some pretty interesting private conversations with myself. I've thought about it on occasions... when it's okay to "tell" and when it's not, and I've come to the conclusion (me, right by myself, thinking about things I'm not "allowed" to tell another soul, so I can't very well discuss it openly, what with the likelihood that if you bring up something purportedly hypothetical, it's bound to pique curiosity,) that some of these secrets can be pretty hard to keep to myself. Not because I'm dying to blab someone's private information. No, not that. It's more that sometimes the information's just kind of interesting! I like knowing interesting people and discussing interesting topics, and sometimes I'm reminded of this or that confidence, and then I have to hold my tongue rather than even "go there" in conversation, because of my promise. I have to admit there's something gratifying about knowing this or that tidbit, but not only is there the responsibility of keeping your word to the person you gave it to, you generally also can't even let on to other people that you have the secret! I mean, if you go dropping hints that you have a scoop or know this juicy tidbit...well, that just opens up all kinds of cans of worms you don't want to touch. Then you're compromising yourself. Makes people want to pry. Makes 'em think maybe if they push hard enough they can get it out of you. Makes your willingness to keep someone else's secret, well, somehow open to negotiation.
Which it's not.
But that's just me. And if you do tell? You're not a bad person. I just hope you're not gonna' tell MY stuff to somebody else! 'Cause that wouldn't be cool at all.
But I'm fairly confident friend doesn't mean she's willing to tell all confidential information, willy nilly. Yea, pretty sure she means she has a kind of litmus test. That goes something like this: "Some chick at work down the hall? Yea, she tells me something...maybe I'll keep it to myself. But I MIGHT tell a trusted friend. Trusted friend tells me something in confidence? Might tell my sister, but Certainly nobody else. And maybe not sister, but sisters are different. Right?" And for the most part, they are, too. Sisters. Sisters are almost like telling husbands. Which I have mixed feelings about. Sometimes you can tell your husband. Sometimes you can't. But I don't have one of those, so it's a moot point. In my case. But I realize it factors in sometimes...
Anyway, what about you? What's your rule about Keeping A Secret? Loose? Strict? Inquiring minds...they're just dying to know!
Reader Comments (6)
Strict. Something told in confidence is something meant to be honored. However, I do have the "except for the husband" rule. I tell Blair most everything. Which usually isn't an issue as he might not know or ever talk to the people we're discussing. But other than that...no way. I expect people to keep the confidences I share with them, so I do the same in return.
On the same subject, it amazes me the lack of discipline people/couples have. I could leave a huge sheet of paper on the front table that said, "THINGS ABOUT BLAIR THAT ANNOY ME..." with an arrow pointing to the back of the sheet of paper and if he came home and saw it, he wouldn't touch it. Why? It's not his to explore. I can leave my diary around the house with no fear of it being read. I'm amazed by the number of my friends who are, in turn, amazed at how that works.
Trust is precious. Never abuse it.
As you know, I have worked in several diverse settings in the last few years. I have found a different level of confidence in each of them. My own observation is:
I found on a practical level that workers in the funeral business sometimes practice a looser level of confidentiality. Now, the higher in the funderal hierarchy one goes, the higher the level of confidentiality I would expect. A funeral director or an enbalmer would probably be bound to a high code of ethics.
In education, the level of confidentiality is that one's personal information cannot be released to anyone else without their permission, with the exception that the information of a minor can be released to one's parent or legal guardian.
In medicine we are bound by the highest level of confidence, both by ethics and by law. The HIPPA Law forbids that, for example, if a fellow employee is a patient, one cannot reveal this to other employees without the patient's permission. Actually, personal information is, according to HIPPA, "PPI", or personal protected information.
In psychology and counseling, a high code of confidentiality is also practiced. Law requires that certain violations of law be revealed to law enformement. Some pyschologists have gone to jail rather thatn reveal requested/required information. Ethics also requires that if someone is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else, it be reported to the appropriate authority.
On a personal level, one should apply the golden rule to confidentiality: Tell only what you would want someone to tell about yourself! If you have told someone something in confidence, would you want them to tell it to their trusted friend or to their sister? When the trusted friend reveals it to their own trusted friend.... so it goes on.
A practical consideration: When those who have trusted us with information realize that we are sharing their confidences to our own trusted friends, we will find out that we are no longer their trusted friend!
This may be more than you asked for, but I think you are right.
Love,
Dad
What a great topic!
I learned a long time ago that only way I can be absolutely sure that a trusted friend will not pass along confidential info I share is to never tell the trusted friend in the first place.
On a broader note, defining words is a great relationship-building activity. Thanks for the reminder.
I, too, have realized this frustration with differences in understanding what's confidential and what's not.
The ex and I used to have long discussions about what was confidential (mind you, he would never say, "I'd prefer that you not share this with anyone"). I found out at some point in the past three years that he thought EVERYTHING we discussed was confidential. Hmm, uh, no. Especially with my best friends. If I've got to vent, I'm going to someone who I know can respect that my venting isn't really supposed to be spread around to the rest of the world.
Made for a challenging life, especially after it was obvious he didn't trust what I might be saying: "You didn't talk about us today, did you?"
I'm glad to be out of that.
Thanks for all these responses, ya'll. It's clearly a hot topic with more people than just me and my one friend. I've even had some hits via Google since posting this! Lotta' food for thought...
My sister in law is trying to remove her daughter from one state to another( so she could marry a millionair) and this is going to trial. In the process she had told her brother(my husband)and I some things that she was doing and were not correct legally. I confronted her and when she refused to stop, I annonymously wrote emails to her ex, because I was concerned for my niece's safety. I now have a lawsuit on my head because of this. her claim is that I leaked out confidential information. How can it confidential if I did not sign anything or she never told me to keep it a secret? I am fighting this because I did this for concern of my niece. Any thoughts on this?